On cleaning up.

Alright, I'm done.

No more pills.

No more scratching the skin off my wrists.

No more walking around my house at 2am, wanting to cut myself.

No more driving around in my car sobbing late at night.

No more hanging around the people that hurt me.

No more pretending i'm okay when i'm not.

No more of this.

I was so happy until this month.

I'm going to get it all back.

I don't need Noah and Emily.

I don't need anyone.

All I need is myself.

one day at a time i guess.

i don't know what i was thinking really.

i guess we'll start with saturday.

i stopped at colonial village before ashley brewster's grad party. looked for sleeping meds/anything that would make me feel different and funny. i couldn't find anything so i left.

fast foward.

get off work, find out my parents, sister, and brother are all going to be gone tonight. i have the house and the car to myself. i eat dinner and go to ians.

so at ian's its me, ian, eli, noah, josh, mike, dennis, and tucker. so we're just hanging out and stuff, we go for a walk. Eli pulls me behind a bridge and tries to make out with me.

how do i feel?



i have no clue.

i dont get it, it was the worst feeling in the world. he tells me he likes me, he tries to make a move, i want to blow my fucking brains out. i don't get it. shouldn't that be like a compliment and make you feel good?

so i told him i was gay and he backed off.


Noah needs a ride home. i want to go home and chill by myself.

the long ride back wasn't too bad. we put on music and i just tried to not show how much it actually hurts me to just look at him.

and oh... how it hurts... but what can i do?

i pull into his driveway, he invites me in.

i go.

we sit in complete silence for what seems like forever (in reality, about a half hour)

what changed? we used to be giggly, there was no silence. we were so happy together, we were so chatty and we did stuff and didn't just lie around. we talked about everything. i trusted him, he was easy to talk to... i loved him, not like "in love", but he was one of the few people i truly cared about and he knew how to make me feel better.



so i left.

without a hug (which is a first)

and i went home. i took 16 pills.

as i sat on the couch watching tv (i have no idea what) i got dizzy and tired, so i stumbled upstairs and fell asleep on my bed, to tired to even pull down the blankets.

fast foward.

next day.

so tired... i couldn't even physically get up until noon. then i slept about five more hours throughout the day until i got home around eight.

it was beautiful. you don't think when you're sleeping. you don't feel.

that's all i want.

so i get home, and i want to just sleep until tomorrow.

emily never called back.

i did wait.

then i took 18 pills.

i feel asleep.

i had a bad dream that me and noah were supposed to have sex, and his parents were disappointed in him, but they were like, setting up an area where we were supposed to "do the nasty" anyways... then we did *ahem* stuff... and then he left to go on a date with emily.

and i woke up feeling awful.

i can't look at the two together. and you know what? i want them to be happy, i really do. i feel like a burden half the time. i know emily needs something like this... just why did it half to be noah? i miss him so goddamn much. and i know he's not gone...he's just not there anymore for me. we can't ever be what we used to be. and that's what makes me want to not feel. when i see them together, thats' when i want to hurt myself. knowing it could've been me... i messed up so bad. knowing that i was second best... and i'm so jealous of their happiness.

that's when i want to die. that's the only time i'm suicidal.

if i can't cut, i'll take pills. i didn't snap the rubber band all weekend.

anyways, i felt sick this morning but it passed. but as i sat down in english, the weariness began to wear off.. and i saw emily and noah and i could feel the pang in my chest. and i knew the chemicals had died and that i had to face a whole day without them.

i dont want to snap the rubber band anymore.

so i went to the nurse... i told her about the pills.

turned out i was close to dying... good thing i threw away a couple of advil before i actually took them... otherwise, i probably wouldn't be writing this right now.

and it didn't even scare me. i don't know why. i was almost impressed with myself.

so she tells me i need to see a therepist right now. she wants me to go home. she calls my mom (fuck) and she lets me wait around.

i'm sorry emily, i really am. i didn't want to tell you at school just because i don't to worry you anymore. i'm so sorry. maybe you're better off without me anyways.

so here i am, at home. my therepist hasn't called yet so i haven't gone anywhere. my mom was her usual oversensitive, self-blaming wreck, but i just told her i didn't want to talk about it cause i didn't want to think about it cause if i think about it, that's when i hurt myself.


where do i go from here?

i wish i never had to go to school again. i wish i could erase this entire year from my memory. i wish i never had to see his fucking face again, or i never had to see them together. i wish i would never hear their names in the same sentence again. i wish i had a whole bottle of pills. i wish i had a razor. i wish that i was at TI right now. I hope that TI doesn't get mad at me. I wish that things were like last year. I wish that boys didn't exist.

I wish that i was asleep.

that's all i really wanted from the start.


Okay so we had to wait until fricking 1:15 to leave because Em and I had to stay and take a retarded history test. So we got in the car, stopped home, then left. The car ride was uneventful, Emily just made fun of me a lot. So we get to Lowell and I’m freaking out cause the line is wicked long, like down the little brick part (no one knows what I’m talking about). So we run to the line and then I decide I have to pee so jess and I go to the bathroom which we have to wait in a wicked long line for. So it was a lot of waiting around, then Jess, Em, Noah and I decided to go to Dunkin Donuts. I got a bagel. We walked back and I ate my bagel in the car with emily as she was stupid and tried to convince me to date jer. Shut up emily.

Okay nothing really happened for a long time. That hot guy that my mom talks to was there and I wanted to bang him. My mom and I went to Dunkin Donuts again and came back and then I had to pee one last time, but the line to the arena bathroom was like a half hour long and I was panicing cause I was afraid they were going to open door soon and I wouldn’t be able to get in. Luckily they didn’t so I went and then ran to the car so I could drop off my sweatshirt and grab my camera, but Noah and Emily were in the car and they wouldn’t let me in. They were laughing at something and it was annoying cause they were gonna open door soon so when they did let me in I tried to beat the crap outta Emily, but she scratched my hand and it’s now greenish and puffy. Ew.

So yeah, we got let in, guys on the right girls on the left, which was bad cause there were SO many more girls. I was freaking out and Emily wanted to kill me. Then when Emily was being patted down the woman was like “do you mind stepping back” and I thought she was yelling at me so I was like “alright, fine!” and then she was like “are you okay?” and I was like “yes god” and she took forever, but we got in and we ran up the stairs and then down the stairs and saw that the moshpit was already about eight people deep. I was pissed, I’ve never been this far back in my life. It sucked. We saw Dan Hurley and Cassandra, and the hot guy was like three rows back from us. Emily decided that when people stood up she’d leave.

So for some reason the crowd stands up and we all push together, and just my luck, I’m behind the tallest guy EVER. He was like 6’8”. No joke. But he was nice and he apologized so whatever. Honestly, I couldn’t see a thing. These douchebags beside me were already pushing. They should die. So after a long time, the lights went down and Armor For Sleep came on.

Wow. I did not enjoy them. They were so boring. The only good thing about their set was that Ben is kinda hot and so is Anthony. Oh Well. They played two songs I knew so I sang along to those, and they really didn’t play for long, so it’s okay. Noah got pulled out on their third song or so, but I was glad cause he had gotten pushed back so it probably wasn’t fun for him anyways.

So they finished and we waited. I was about in the third row still, so I was happy. The second the lights dimmed though, holy shit people were crazy. Jess and I were pretty much the only girls in the pit, surrounded by wicked tall guys. First Chris came on, and he was running and doing like a victory dance thing, it was so funny, and the rest of the band followed behind him.

They started playing In Reguards to Myself. I’m in love. Spenser is so tall and lanky, but it’s hot. Aaron looked beautiful. Chris was doing his crazy dance thing, which I got a video of. Timmy had a huge beard, and then these weird rat tail pig tail things, it was disgusting.

After that, they played You’re Ever so Inviting, It’s Dangerous Businiess, Casting Such a Thin Shadow, and a few others but I forget. When Spenser started making his speech, talking about their beliefs and how it’s what they believed in and they weren’t trying to push it on us, I felt really sick. I couldn’t keep my eyes open and the crowd was pushing like crazy.

But this adorable guy behind me kept asking if I was okay and he had his arms around me and he held my hand for a second. Right before Writing on the Walls I decided I’d had enough cause I wasn’t even having fun, so I had the guy and his friend pull me up, and I was taken out. As I was being lifted by the security guard, Spenser was standing right in front of me, so I tried to reach out and touch him but he didn’t notice. Sad.

So they told me to go back, so I had to walk around and stand in this huge crowd. But I really needed some water so the security guard sprayed some in my mouth and I watched the rest of the set from the side of a circle pit. They finished with Returning Empty handed. Oh yeah, I forgot. They had a sweet background. It was a big banner that said “I am the culprit” all over it.

So they finished and I pushed my way through the crowd to go find my mom. On my way up some stairs, I found Emily, so we went and found my mom together. We chatted, but then I really needed water so since no one had any money, we decided to go the the bathroom and I’d drink out of the sink. On the way there I had to sit down cause I though I’d pass out. After I drank, we found Noah and we sat on the side of the pit, on the little divider. Jess found us and we all sat together. It took a really long time for Taking Back Sunday to come out, but when they did, they came out playing Liar (It Takes One to Know one). Adam Lazzarra was doing his little dance moves, or as my mom says “noodly legs”… I dunno. And he swung the microphone around his neck a lot. They played all my favorites which was good. Adam sat on this random dudes shoulders. I think he was really wasted. He made us do this “whoaaa” thing, for a really really long time. They finished with A Decade Under the Influence. Then Adam came back out for the encore, playing on his acoustic guitar. He started playing Divine Intervention, then he played Bones by the killers and I was like wtf… but then he went back to play DI, and he was playing the harmonica. He was smoking too. Then they came back out and played a few more songs and Adam was like “I have to introduce us!” so he did, he introduced matt rubano as “the tallest member of TBS!” and then he kept introducing the Mark O’Connel over and over again. When he was singing he kept screaming like a pig that was about to be slaughtered. It was hot.

Before they finished he was like “It’s so sad we have to go… it’s unatural… blah blah I forget” and yeah. So they finished playing MakeDamnSure.

So yeah… then we went home. The end. Oh yeah, Em, Noah and Me tried to accomplish my dream of walking through a drive through, but I guess there is like a car censor or something because it wouldn’t work.

Oh Well.
  • Current Music

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Okay so we left around 11:30 (which is so fricking late) and picked up zach and drove. I don’t feel like writing about the ride down cause it was extremely uneventful. So we got there and I ran and attacked Danielle, Jack, Allie and Christina cause I was sooo excited. So we were talking and that hot guy from the ETID concert was there and my mom was like “omg…” on the inside cause she loves him. And he’s wicked hot.

We were only standing there for about five minutes when this guy comes up to us and is like “hey I need five volunteers to help hang up posters and stuff inside” and we all start freaking out. He tells Jess to choose four friends to bring with her. I was like “DUDE I’M YOUR FUCKING SISTER IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL KILL YOU!!!” and all of us were like “OMG PICK ME!!” even this random chick I remember from the MCR concert was all up in her face. Jessilyn ended up picking me, Allie, Danielle, and Christina. Then the guy asked for our tickets and I was like “SHIT they’re in the car!!” so I grabbed the keys and sprinted across the parking lot and then I couldn’t find them so I was freaking out and I had to call mom and then I found them and ran all the way back, grabbing my camera, just in case. So we go inside, and we’re freaking out because they’re setting up the stage and stuff and it was just so cool. So the guy leads us to his booth and shows us the stuff we’re cutting out, which was like a bunch of logos, and tells us to hang them up around the arena. So we do that. And I talk to the guy for a while (he was a cutie) because we were talking about how we left our other friends behind (Zach and Jack) and how we felt bad but not really because we were so excited.

So it takes us a while to get everything hung up, and when we finish he tells us that we have to wait by the rockstar energy drink booth cause there was gonna be a guy to come get us to help him. Around this time Christina and I were walking around the building and we saw this guy and I was like “hey… isn’t he in senses fail?” but I didn’t want to be wrong so I didn’t say anything to him. It turns out it was him haha. But that’s okay, I don’t really care. So we waited… and when they were setting up this weird, loud vibrating sound kept happening and it was making me sick… it was so annoying. And then they were playing this shitty dance music so we all danced and stuff. Then this guy came by and was like “Okay guys, I need your help *cough cough* but let me go die first” and then he didn’t come back for a long time. Then we saw this random dude hanging up signs and we started helping him but then the guy came back and gave us some more shit to hang up. The guy said that Chiodos weren’t playing cause he got the drummer drunk and he had a court date today cause he like, defaced a cop car. Fuck that guy. I wanted to see chiodos. Then we were walking around and these dudes from Therefore I am started talking to us but it was sort of awkward so we left.

Finally after that we were done, so we decided that after everyone bought the merch they wanted we’d run our shit out to the car. As I was coming back in, I heard Maybe Memories and I was like… “wait… OMG THE USED ARE SOUNDCHECKING!!” and I screamed and did a crazy dance and ran around the arena like a freak and ran down so I could watch them. Bert was wearing this fugly orange swim shorts and they were kind of just fooling around and Bert was saying something like “I think it’s pretty tight guys”. Then I tried to take a picture but this bitch came out and was like “NOOOO!” so I couldn’t so I just watched them till they left.

I decided to go out and talk to mom and Zach and Jack, which I did. And I saw my friend Greg from TI, which was cool. Basically nothing else really happened in this time, cept for Jess meeting Justin which was funny. So yeah, basically we sat around until like, 4:30. I ate a pretzel and then ran down to the barrier because people had started coming in.

Zach and Jack found us and we all sat on the floor for a while. After a few minutes we stood up and basically were smooshed. It didn’t take long for the first band to come on (Therefore I Am) and I’m not gonna lie, I really wasn’t impressed. BORING. That is all I have to say. They only played for like twenty minutes anyways.

After that was Evaline. OMG. AMAZING. They came out and the guitarist was fucking using a taser to play his guitar and the celloist/singer/pianist was fucking CRAZY. He would like, run and jump on his piano and knock stuff over and not even care. And he was fucking hot. He kept touching himself and being the sexy little bitch that he was, and then he jumped in the crowd right on me. MMMMM. I was like, grabbing his hips and he petted my hair. God I want to hit that. I pet him on the head before he left. When they were finished I was sad because they were so good. I’m probably going to go buy their CD now.

It only took like five minutes for Aiden to come on. They did the little candlelight intro and WiL came out last and stuff. The started with the Last Sunrise and I danced like crazy because Aiden are hilarious. Nick and Angel had lost weight while the Jakes have seriously put on weight. Weird. Anyways, after that, they played Die Romantic. WiL was standing in front of me on the stage and I was laughing at him because he’s funny and I stuck my tongue out and then he did it back to me but made this undescribingly ugly face, which made me laugh even harder. Then he jumped in the crowd right on me and held my hang while he sang and it was so cute. Of course I was like majorly feeling him up. So yeah, at the end of the set WiL said his usual speil, and then did his “world by storm” thing. And he ended up walking right over me on the crowd, so I got to hold him up for a second. I definitlely spanked his ass and took a picture as it loomed over me. So then they left.

Then was Saosin. I don’t have much to say about them since I’m not a fan but I took some pics for Allie. It was cool though because they lead singer gave his water bottle to Allie and Allie was like, freaking out, which was cute cause she loves them so much. I was happy for her.

After them, it was just me jess and allie left in the mosh pit. Jess was getting pushed behind me while Allie and I held onto the bar. Then Senses Fail came out. I was kind of dissappointed by their set, they played a lot of old stuff and they don’t exactly have great stage presence like the bands before them. But they did play the Preist and the Matador, which is awesome because that’s my favorite.

Then they left and next was 30 Seconds to Mars. It seriously took like a half an hour to set up their stupid stage, which pissed me off cause I wasn’t even that excited to see them. FINALLY the lights went dim but no one came on stage, even though everyone was screaming. Then I realized that they were walking through the arena with flags and their faces covered and the only thing I have to say to this is “wtf…” and they came out and I realized how tiny Jared Leto is. But he’s still hot. So they were playing etc… Jared was all “I grew up in Mass blah blah” Then during one of their songs he jumped right on me in the crowd. AND I GRABBED HIS BALLS HAHA. And they weren’t even that big. But I grabbed them. I was cracking up so bad. Then I spanked him and grabbed his inner thigh just so I could say I did. So after about twenty seconds he jumped back out of the crowd and they kept playing. During The Kill he was like “I KNOW every single person in here knows the words to this song so you all better sing along” so we did… it was just Allie and I left at this point. Then they played one more song and they left. Oh yeah they had an asian themed stage.

THEN WE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THE USED. They had this black veil around the stage and they were setting up this weird thing, like these things with fake fire at the top and a background of things I couldn’t really tell what they were. I texted Em to tell her I touched Jared Leto’s balls. I am gonna pimp that for the rest of my life. The lights dimmed and first Quinn came out, then the drummer and Jepha and then finally Bert. Then screen fell and they started playing a new song and Allie and I were freaking out and screaming because it was amazing. Then I think they played Take it Away, and then I Caught Fire, and then two more new ones. Bert had us all yell “LIAR LIAR!!” and he talked about how much he hated liars. At one part when they were singing the taste of ink, instead of singing the normal lyrics bert was like “HEY ALL YOU PUSSIES I’M GONNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!! Etc etc” and it was funny. Then he did this whole long rap thing with the same stuff, just like over and over again and I was cracking up. Then he was like “we’re going to do something to make taste of chaos the craziest…we’re gonna give everyone heroin!” and then he was like “just kidding” and instead they played On My Own… and it was awesome. They played a bunch of their old songs too, but like in one song because they kept changing what song they were playing which made it confusing. Then when they started playing box full of sharp objects, wiL from Aiden came out and gave him a rose and they kissed. Then they did the wall of death. Bert liked to pretend he was a jacking off a lot. That’s all I remember I think… then they left and I was sad.

So yeah, then Allie had to pee so she left and I grabbed Jack’s sweatshirt and left… and I saw that hot guy that my mom talks to again. So yeah, nothing else terribly exciting happened except for two dudes from chiodos were playing an acoustic set oustide on the street which was adorable. So yeah… that’s about it.

My Chemical Romance- February 22nd, 2007

My Chemical Romance- February 22, 2007- Verizon Wireless Arena

Alright so Emily, Sarah, and I left school around 11:15 to go home and get ready. I fed us because we were hungry, Sarah straightened her hair, and then Jess came home and we packed up everything to go. We left around noon. On the way down we listened to Dane Cook and I had my usual anxiety attacks/nervous twitching/heart palpitations because I was so DAMN EXCITED to see my favorite band of all time play.

So we get there and we’re trying to find a place to park and I’m panicing because there’s a crowd of about thirty people outside the arena and I am scared that I’m not going to be in the front and I have to be because there’s no other way I’d want to see them. So finally we park in this parking garage, I grab a few sweatshirts, and we, minus mom because she sort of disappeared to dad’s office, headed up to the line. Well it wasn’t really a line, it was more like a crowd. So yeah, we get there and Em and Sarah go to find a bathroom or something and Jess and I chat with these two girls in line for a while. So when Em and Sarah get back Jess and I decide to go pee in this weird bar place but we had to buy sodas so they’d let us use their bathroom which was annoying because who wants to drink a cold soda when they’re standing in the 20 degree freezing weather. But we did. And because of that I had to pee like every half an hour. Emily and I saw a bus parked down the road so we decided to go see if it was one of the bands. We got close, but then it drove away and it was too fast for us to chase it. So then we were walking back and we saw the parking lot behind a closed gate where the buses were parked and a van coming out with a Raddison Hotel label on it, meaning it was probably one of the bands being dropped off at the venue. So Emily and I stood there sketchily, trying to see if anyone we know was walking around, but then out of no where this voice comes from like, the roof of the arena saying “the two ladies standing by the restricted area need to leave right now,” etc etc. So Emily and I ran out of there because we though we saw a guy with a crowbar but that never really happened obviously. So lots more waiting and Em and Sarah went to Dunkin Donuts which took a million years. While they were gone Jess and I spotted Worm, MCR’s security guard standing right inside the arena. They were letting people in to go to the bathroom so I decided I would just so I could get a good look at him. So I went in and saw him and then headed towards the bathrooms but on my way there this girl was like “OMG it’s worm!” and I was like “OMG you know who he is too?” and then we chatted for a while outside the bathroom. This other girl joined us and we decided we were going to try to go say hi to him. So we walk out and I stand in front and say “Hey Worm…*uncomfortable silence* yeah I know you’re name…wow I feel so sketchy right now” like a douchebag and then this security guard shoves me out the door saying “You have to leave right now!” and it was sort of hilarious/embarassing. But whatever. When Em and Sarah got back Mom Jess and I decided to go to see Dad at his office, which proved to be a lot longer of a walk than I expected. I told Dad of my escapes and he was less then impressed but then we left and headed back, which I broke off from mom and jess cause they were taking so long. When I got back Emily introduced me to her friend Patrick from driver’s ed. Then they left to go somewhere… I don’t remember. So Patrick and I chilled… These annoying girls wouldn’t stop singing I was going to cut a bitch I swear. I went to the bathroom again. Then Patrick had some friends move us to the front of the crowd, assuring a good spot near the bar which I was pleased about. And no one in the crowd even said anything as we blatently cut them which I actually felt really bad about but Patrick insisted. SO yeah, more waiting, Will got here and yeah, basically it was just a lot of waiting around after that. First we thought door were going to open at six, then six-thirty, then because according to the security guards the band didn’t want to open the doors until seven. That was the one time I was ever mad at MCR. So yeah, Ian and Josh get there and we chat and they laugh at me for being cold cause emily and I dropped our stuff off in the car waaaay too early. But whatever because I knew I’d have a better spot on the floor than their crappy box seats. HA!

So doors finally open and it’s like a stampede into the arena, I got crushed in the door but I was like the fouth one in so I was okay. Then when this dude was trying to put my bracelet on, he couldn’t get it and all these people were getting ahead of my and I was like “GOD YOU IDIOT” so finally he got it on and Jess and I ran down to the floor. Emily, Sarah, Patrick, and Will were right on the bar and Jess and I were right behind them. I was soooo happy. So we waited and I met this really nice girl name Nicole and it was her first time in a mosh pit. I could see Ian and Josh in their crappy little box from where I was sitting. This total bitch jumped over everyone who had gotten there first and said “if you don’t work here you can’t make me move” and I was “wow, you’re a bitch” and she just glared at me but she needed to hear it. I hope someone bashed her face in. I mean, she cut this girl and her MOM. Who, five minutes ago, were talking about how excited they were to be so close. When I saw her grabbing onto the bar near Will I was like “don’t let that bitch take your spot” or I seriously would have killed her. I hate bitches.

So we all were standing up and the lights went down and Rise Againt’s into started. I must say, I was thourougly impressed with them. I never though I’d like them but they’re really energetic and they had so many tempo changes, it was awesome. On the screens behind the stage they were showing war footage, so they had a whole theme going, which was sweet. So yeah, it was interesting to watch and I’ll probably go buy all of their CDs now.

So their set ended and the lights came back on and I started freaking out because well, MY BABIES WERE COMING ON NEXT. While they were setting up I could see Brian (tour manager) walking around. And then the lights went down and I screamed at the top of my lungs…I was so excited. Nothing can explain that feeling of when the lights go down. It’s the best feeling in the world.

So this guy comes out from behind the curtain wheeling this gurney, and there’s someone on and but you can’t see because they’re covered with a sheet. The song

The End- So this guy comes out from behind the curtain wheeling this gurney, and there’s someone on and but you can’t see because they’re covered with a sheet. The song starts and Gerard pops out and throws off the sheet and makes these hilarious faces, the only way I can think to describe them is a “smart englishmen” face. Don’t ask. So when the loud part starts the curtain drops to reveal the band in full uniform. It was amazing. Frank’s hair is longer now, but it looks adorable. Mikey had a faux hawk type thing going on and I must say, he looked hot. Okay, I wanted to fuck him, but what else is new? So Gerard did his usual Gerardesque moves during this song and the scenery was like the scenery from Welcome To the Black Parade. And there were stars and it was beautiful.

Dead!- The crowd was crazy and jumping and I couldn’t keep the stupid grin off my face. At the “LA LALALALA” part everyone was screaming at the top of their lungs and it was beautiful. Gerard was doing his usual gay (in a non-offense way) hand gestures, which some like to call “The claw” and he kept putting his hand on his hips and shaking them. It was, needless to say, sexy. At the end, they set off a loud pop.
This is How I Dissappear- Gerard was like “HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE!” and I was like HAHA new hampshire, it sucks. Gerard liked to stand right in front of where I was standing so I got a good view the entire show. Mikey came up the front a lot too, which was sweet. At the part where it’s like “you want to see how far down I sink, let me go, FUCK!” Gerard was like, acting out angsty stuff and it was so funny and then he just screamed “FUCK!” like, so loud. It was hilarious.
The Sharpest Lives- This song started out really dark, and at the part where it was like “and I love all the boys in the band” gerard pointed at the band. And at the “blow me a kiss” he blew a kiss into the audience. And the little vocal part at the end was AMAZING. During this song Gerard began to stroke a little thing called Oliver. Meaning, there was some package groping and I thorougly enjoyed every moment of it.
Welcome To the Black Parade- During this song these huge blimps came out from behind the curtain and were flying around. It was so cool. And the part where he says “sometimes I get the feeling she’s watching over me” gerard pointed to the sky. And I find the bridge of this song really uplifting and Gerard looked so happy. Ray was doing the crazy fro movement. It was awesome. And Gerard was saying how this was their first proper tour since their new album came out, etc etc. And how we should all give a “FUCK YEAH!” to Rise Against. And then he said something about Frankie finally being back and how he was sick.
I Don’t Love You- At the part where Gerard said “cry so hard from pleading” he made this sob face and it was so cute. Yeah, not a lot happened during this song though.
House of Wolves- GOD I LOVE THE INTRO TO THIS SONG. It was so awesome. At the “tell me I’m a bad man” there was a ton of groping and sexy moves and I was aroused. Every time something would happen I would grab Emily’s hair. Haha. And at the “yes I am” part there was even move crotch grabbing *happy sigh*
Cancer- Before this song Gerard introduced the piano player as James Deewees from Reggie and the Full Effect. I knew he looked familiar!! Anyway, during this song Frank kneeled and played acoustic guitar and Mikey played tambourine (LOLZ) and Gerard was all sadfaces and he might have shed a tear. Sarah said she was close to crying. I was too happy to cry. Everyone had their cellphones in the air. When the song finished it went completely black.
Mama- OMG. OMG. This was the most amazing live song I’ve ever heard. Gerard was seriously feeling himself up the entire time. At one point he came over and shook his hips and looked directly at Emily and Sarah and did this sexy little grin. And it was hot. He is the sex. At the “except for the smell” he pinched his nose. I’m pretty sure this song had pyrotechnics. It was definitley the best of the night.
Sleep- At the “a drink for the horror that I’m in” Gerard pretended to raise a glass, which was adorable. At the end of this song with the screaming, he was completely crazy, screaming his guts out, kneeling, and it was amazing.
Teenagers- Everyone was jumping up and down like crazy at this song. Probably because Gerard kept screaming “JUMP MOTHERFUCKERS!” Ray was totally rocking out. And Frankie was smiling so huge the entire time, it was adorable. At the part about the kids in the clique, Gerard kept making this funny faces like a “cool girl” would make, like really snooty. And at the part where it's like "what you got under your shirt" Gerard stroked his package and groped himself. Ah, I love him.
Disenchanted- When this song started Ray played this acoustic guitar that was set on this stand but he still had his guitar around his neck. At the beginning Geradr said “some of you may have heard this song last time we come out with Revenge, but it’s a lot different now” Yeah. I don’t remember anything monumental happening during this song.
Famous Last Words- There were ton of pyrotechnics during this song, it was intense. So this song ended and the lights went black and everyone left the stage.
Blood [Hidden Track]- I wasn’t expecting this but they started playing it over the loudspeakers and Sarah and I started FREAKING OUT and singing at the top of the lungs and holding hands because well, it’s our song! And at the end I attacked her with kisses because I love my sarah haha.


I’m not Okay- I couldn’t actually tell what song they were playing until Gerard started singing. They were all in their old outfits, Gerard in his leather jacket, Mikey in his little diagonal zip sweatshirt, Frank in a black shirt and tie, I couldn’t see what bob was wearing, and ray in a plain black tee. By the way, Gerard was wearing a wedding band. WHAT THE FUCK? I’m confused. And Ray had a tattoo on his inner arm.
It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s a Fucking Deathwish- OMG THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME I WAS FREAKING OUT WHEN THEY STARTED PLAYING IT. IT WAS AMAZING. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and during the bridge I started choking up like a retard because I was so happy and this song means so much to me. They were just so passionate playing it, it was beautiful. I probably looked retarded because I was grinning and sobbing at the same time but I didn’t even care.
Cemetery Drive- I was so surprised when they played this but SO excited. It awesome. It was around here that Frank laid his head on Gerard’s shoulder and Gerard was like, petting him. It was so cute. Frank was so smiley!
Ghost of You- At the beginning of this song Gerard was like “this is a slow one…” and I was really upset that he didn’t do the moaning part at the end because I was expecting that!
Give ‘Em Hell Kid- They got crazy during this song! Gerard told us to put our guns in the air. And then at one part he came over, and I jumped and pointed my gun at him and he smiled and pointed and sung. AND I HAVE WITNESSES THIS TIME SO NO ONE CAN MAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. And at the end of this song Gerard was like “skdfja… Cha Cha shoes.. buy some cha cha shoes!!” but I couldn’t really make out exactly what he was saying. It was hilarious though. And I also threw my ring at Mikey, but it went right between his legs and I was sad.
You Know What They do to Guys like Us in Prison- AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS SONG MY DREAMS CAME TRUE. GERARD WENT UP TO MIKEY AND PRETENDED TO BE JERKING HIM OFF AND I SERIOUSLY CAME IN MY PANTS. I APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE READING THIS. BUT IT WAS DOWNRIGHT AROUSING AND IT MADE ME SO HAPPY. And Gerard totally knew every girl in the audience was creaming their pants by the smirky little grin on his face when he did it. He also did the same thing to himself and then he was making insinuations of a blow job by opening his mouth and putting his balled up fist inside and doing this weird licky sucky thing that was hot. I could here what he was saying during the bridge where him and bert usually scream but he was like, rolling around and going crazy and he touched himself a lot as usual.
Helena- Gerard said it was time for them to go and it was their last song and thanks for coming out. I was so sad I never wanted them to go. All of us did the harmonizing at the verses like old times because it is now a tradition. And at the end he raised his arms and i saw hiw tummy. it was pudgy and pale and adorable. Anyways the song ended and they left and I was wicked sad L. We just stood there for like five minutes because no one wanted to leave but then the security guards pushed us out of the way. So we met up with everyone and went to the bathroom and we all were talking about how that was definitley the most amazing show we’ve ever been to.

So we met Mom outside and Will’s dad was waiting for him and I was screaming and Sarah and I were talking about how we NEEDED to get some vanilla milkshakes, but I’m providing no reason as to why. So we left and listened to the Black Parade on the way home and I fell asleep.

And just because I think it’s hilarious, I got home and immediatley ran into the shower, and while I was shower all the confetti came out of no where. Seriously, it just was falling out and I couldn’t figure out what pocket of my body it was being stored in. haha. Weird!



Okay… So mom picked Will, Em, Danielle and I up from school (jess was already home) and we waited. Mom had to eat lunch and change, Emily wanted to fry an egg (wtf?) and so on and so forth. I had a mild panic attack. We finally left. The car ride was quiet and long. When we got there, we jumped out of the car and booked towards the palladium.

AND OMG! There was this tall, lanky figure with black hair prancing down the sidewalk (I kid you not, he was dancing) and I was like “hey that guy is hot” and then like “OMG IT’S MATT GOOD” with Derek close in tow. And goodness, Ricky Terror also! They were trying to get in the front doors of the palladium. We just walked right up to them. They were like “They gotta let us in!” and then they turned around and were like “hey!” and some people next to us were saying something about atreyu sucking and then Matt was like “Yeah we’re not playing tonight, we got kicked off the tour” and I died on the inside. Basically.

So we started talking to them and telling them how mad we were and I was still like “omg we’re all talking to matt Derek and ricky…omg…” being the fangirl on the inside that I am. Emily asked for a hug and matt was like “of course”. He was sooo friendly. I’m in love. I don’t really remember what else was said, a lot of complaining about atreyu and Derek chain smoking like CRAZY. Then I was like should I give them the cookies…? So I took them out and was like “yeah, we made these for you” and gave them to matt and he was like “OMG thanks so much!” and ricky was like “yeah that’s probably all we’re going to be eating for the next six weeks” and matt was like “oh look! They even have our names on them!” and I was wondering if he saw the “COCK” cookie, but that’s another story for another day. Ricky also gave us some stickers and pins to hand out. And then they were like “well we’re going inside” so they went in the building and we all had to go to the bathroom so we followed in after them and they went down to the stage and we went to the bathroom. I didn’t have to go so I watched the roadies setting up the stage even though I wasn’t supposed to be in there, and then I saw matt and Derek coming back up and they went out the street exit, so as soon as everyone was done we left and went back outside. We decided to go sit by their bus since we wanted to show their support and we didn’t actually get to take and pics or get autographs. We ended up waiting out there for a while, a lot of roadies were going in and out. Finally, Matt and Derek and Ricky came back out and were like “if you guys want pics and autographs…” so we started doing that stuff.

So we were all taking pictures and Matt was really chatty, actually he wouldn’t shut up about what was going on, Derek was quieter and he was still smoking. I had both Derek and Matt sign my converse and then I got pictures. When I was getting my picture with Matt I was like “hey can I have a hug too?” and he was like “sure!” and he hugged me really tight and actually kind of jumped on me jubilantly. Yeah. That’s right.

So after a little while of picture taking and so on, they said that they had to go say goodbye to etid and chiodos. So they left. Before they went I asked matt if he thought sonny or travis would come out. He said “travis will probably come out later but sonny probably won’t” and then he mumbled something about his condition.

So we waited some more…. And finally we see travis at the door of the tour bus. He was wearing his color of violence shirt. He came out and was like “hey… what’s up…” and we started doing pics and stuff. Before I got my pic with him I was like “whoa, sick vans,” because they were really weird and he was like “yeah, I got them in Europe” and then I fell in love with him because I noticed that when he talks to you he looks directly into your eyes. So we got pics and stuff and Emily was talking to ricky and he said something about getting arrested (LOLZ?) and yeah. So then we decided to go wait in line. And travis came with us. I walked across the street with him. He was so cute, he was like “is it safe to cross? I think it is” to himself. Matt, Derek, and Ricky were on the other side of the street. Travis started walking down the road and they were like “Travis!” so he came and joined them. They stood there talking next to us for a really long time, so I overheard most of the situation. Atreyu were saying that it was “nothing personal” which is probably bullshit, and so on. Then they went down and started packing up their stuff into the bus. That was really the last time I saw the band. We went and got coffee and stuff and we talked to this really nice guy in line beside us and then I was like “oh shit I have to get allie’s pic!” so Danielle and I ran down to see if the band was still hanging around, but they only one we could find was ricky.

So I yelled to him and was like “Ricky I have to ask you a favor!” and he turned around and was like “what?” and I was like “today is my friends birthday and we forgot to invite her so could we get this signed or something?” and he was like “I dunno, could you just put it against the bus and say that it was on the bus or something?” and I was like “how about you just hold it?” so that’s what we did. And that was the last time I saw any of them *emo tear*. The rest of my wait in line consisted of frequent bathroom trips, coffee, and many searches for BRIT!!!!!!!! WHO WASN’T THERE! HEY MAN I ACTUALLY WALKED DOWN THE LINE SCREAMING YOUR NAME! WHERE WERE YOU???

Anyways, after em and I did our last check for brit we went and put our stuff in the car and waited the last few minutes in line. The doors opened, we got frisked, and then we went inside. Will had to pee so I waited for him and then we met up with everyone else. We were the second row from the bar, and everyone else was on the bar. So we waited…. A really long time. And then chiodos came on. And they were really good. Emily left a couple of songs in. The lead singer kept pointing at our group. On their last song I got pulled out, which was weird because the security guard was like, cradling me. I saw Emily and we went on a search for my mom, which we didn’t succeed and then we planned our circle pit escapade. Yes, Emily and I were going to try our first circle pit since we don’t like etid anyways so we needed something to do. So we waited around for a long time for them to start, and when they did we walked around for a while trying to find a way to the floor. Eventually we did. We were going to try to crowd surf but no one was lifting anyone. So there we were…in the circle pit.

We started out just watching but Emily pulled us to the edge and then…in the middle of no where everyone broke out into punching, pushing, intense moshing and it was so scary, everything and everyone was whizzing by, I just pushed whoever came near me away, I got punched in the stomach a bunch of times… and then I fell flat on my ass and people started to trample me…

And then out of no where this dude picks me up, makes sure I’m okay, and pushes me back in. it didn’t last much longer, I was scared I broke my camera (I didn’t) and I didn’t want to lose a tooth. Emily dragged me more towards the center though it didn’t get as intense as the first time.

And then inbetween songs keith buckley was like “I’m sure you’ve all heard the awful news, fftl won’t be playing, but Sonny Moore, whose right here, will be staying on the tour with us for two days”, and me, thinking he was on the balcony, I dragged Emily out of there as fast as I could and raced up the stairs…but after a long time of searching we found no sonny. That’s okay, I want him to get better and I’m sure a crazy fan that would have I hard time keeping her pants on is not the right remedy.

So them me and Emily decided to leave. We were bored with etid. So we did and we walked around, got our jackets, hung out sketchily by the tour bus, until etid was over and we met up with everyone else. We got in the car and left, ate at a burger king on the way home, and returned home, where I am writing this right now and school starts in seven hours so I really have to go to bed.